Remembering Jasmine Bea Burton-Dackombe 🩵 28.01.2023 🩵
Baby and infant loss has many forms and they are not spoken about in the work place enough, whether it be a miscarriage, stillborn, neonatal death or TFMR (Termination for medical reasons) they are physically and emotionally devastating for those involved.
In 2020 there were 2000 babies born everyday in the UK, plus 500 miscarriages, 150 babies born preterm and 7 stillborn daily. Sadly, the death of a baby is not a rare tragedy. Every day in the UK around 13 babies die before, during or soon after birth. That means nearly every two hours a family is faced with the devastation of the death of their baby.
We have to create space for the psychological impact loss has on the parents involved. Tim and I experienced a miscarriage before Jasmine. The pain of Jasmines death is incomparable in my experience, but I can’t compare my experience to another’s. Here are a few tips if you are or you know someone who is going through infant death, miscarriage or TFMR.
Do not pretend it isn’t happening because you feel uncomfortable. If someone is returning to work go and give them a hug and acknowledge their loss. Grief is so fucking isolating; I feel like the shadow of death because I’m everyone’s worst nightmare and overnight I have gained the title of ‘the one who lost their baby’. Someone pretending that my daughter hasn’t just died is torture. It makes me want to curl up and die. I know it might be horrendous to imagine the loss of your own child, but remember you aren’t living it – they are, and in this case I am. I really encourage you to speak to the unspeakable.
Don’t expect replies. Grieving is all consuming and exhausting. When you message or contact your loved ones going through loss you may not get a reply. If they don’t reply that’s up to them. Grief manifests differently for everyone and there is no right or wrong way. If they want space give it, If they want love, give it, if they want love but they can’t reply, keep the communication going.
Say their name! This might be the most important thing you can do. When someone doesn’t mention Jasmine, pain rips through me. When someone asks me ‘Would you tell me about Jasmine’ I want to envelope them in love. Thank you to everyone who has done that- you will NEVER know how much it means.
Be patient – Grief is horrendous and there is no timeframe on it. It can show up as anger, numbness, exhaustion, sadness, screaming, crying, sleeping, laughter. This is normal!! Be patient with yourself and those who are deep in the throes of grief. This is going to take a long time. Keep checking in with those who have lost a child, and know they won’t ever be ‘over it’. After the funeral they don’t suddenly wake up as if the clock has turned back, in my experience the grief gets worse.
‘To you loss is everyday, you lost the first smile, first giggle, first step. You lost the sticky handprints of the glass window, the tears at a grazed knee and the Mothers Day gifts made from yoghurt pots. You lost the graduation, the wedding and the grandchildren… Your loss is continuous and everlasting’- Extract from Life after Baby Loss.
Don’t ask ‘how are you?’ - It’s an unanswerable question. How are you right now in this moment? Is much easier to answer.
Everyone grieves differently, be patient with your partner and respect differences. You may need get external support. A grief councillor taught me that you have to balance feeling and action whilst grieving. If all you do is feel, you will never get out of bed, if all you do is take action, you will never process your grief. Give space for both.
Grief is exhausting and relentless, be so kind on yourself. This is a daily reminder for me, I feel guilty for being sad, guilty for being a burden, guilty for feeling ok, guilty for laughing! Most people who have lost a baby feel very vulnerable, the world becomes a scary place because the worst thing that could happen, has. All I want to do is be in my home away from the world and in nature. Crowds are an absolute NO! When life gets overwhelming I retreat to bed. Give those who are grieving what they need to feel safe, and if it is you grieving give it to yourself and ask for support. Be so kind to those grieving, please.
Grief lasts forever because love last forever.
Grieving the loss of a child is a horrendous, scary, never ending, guilt inducing experience. I am lucky that I have huge support and 15 years of experience in self care, trauma, and healing. The practices I have I swear are helping me grieve, to be present in my pain and to give myself what I need. I can also hold the paradox of the beauty around me, and all the love I have supporting me. I am able (due to years and years of practice) to find gratitude even in my most hideous time of life. Lots of people don’t have that and if you know anyone who needs support please give them my email.
Love,
Lauren
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