The Secret to Overcoming Conflict: Separating People from Their Behaviour
Conflict is a common occurrence in both our personal and professional lives. Sometimes, it feels more prevalent than harmony. As much as we try to avoid it, conflict is inevitable. For leaders, learning to navigate conflict comfortably and effectively is essential. We want to offer a fresh perspective on conflict resolution, focusing on a powerful yet often overlooked approach: separating people from their behaviours.
Understanding Roles and Behaviours
Everyone has roles that define what they do and who they are in the world. These roles bring clarity and help us brand ourselves. It’s crucial to distinguish between:
Role: What we do (e.g., boss, manager, sibling, parent)
Person: Who we are intrinsically (e.g., supporter, healer, creator)
Behaviour: How we act (e.g., kind, critical, authoritative)
When conflicts arise, the issue often lies not in who the person is but in their behaviours. By focusing on changing behaviours rather than the person, we can resolve conflicts more effectively.
Practical Example
Consider Jack, a Director (role) passionate about supporting young leaders (person) but often critical in meetings (behaviour). If Jack's criticism becomes excessive, it can lead to conflict. People might describe Jack as “always criticising” or “negative,” associating his behaviour with his identity. This conflation can have damaging consequences.
The Importance of Separation
Separating a person’s behaviour from their identity is crucial. For instance, labelling someone as an “alcoholic” reduces them to one behaviour, ignoring their multifaceted nature. This practice often leads to shame, a powerful and painful emotion that hinders behavioural change.
Addressing Conflict Without Shame
When we conflate people with their behaviours, we induce shame, which blocks constructive change. This is common with children, who are often labelled as “good” or “bad” based on their actions. Instead, focusing on specific behaviours helps in promoting positive change.
A Powerful Story of Transformation
A beautiful example I recently heard was from a friend of mine during the grief of her father. He had been absent for many years of her life, during which time her mother would not speak about him at all. As he was transitioning, the family came together around him and over the weeks shared stories of his life - the good and the bad. He moved from being the man who left the family, to that and many more things, including a sportsman, a loving father and a grandfather. For years his behaviour of leaving the family had been the only focus point and created a lot of conflict between himself and his family. He had become the man that left. During his death, they remembered much more about who he was, and they separated his action of leaving (his behaviour) with who he was as a person.
Strategies for Conflict Resolution
To handle conflict effectively, it’s important to:
Identify the Behaviour: Focus on the specific behaviour causing distress.
Separate Identity and Role: Understand the person beyond their role and behaviour.
Promote Positive Behaviours: Encourage the development of positive behaviours rather than simply stopping negative ones.
Your Turn: A New Way to Approach Conflict
Think about a relationship in your life that has been challenging. Now separate them using the model - the person, their role, and their behaviour.
From here see if you have some more insight as to what you would like to change to help move your relationship forward.
TIP: Look for a behaviour to develop rather than something to stop. For example, with Jack and his criticism, we could ask Jack to look for something positive three times a day rather than asking him to stop criticising things. This way he has a focus of what to work on.
